II
If anger were an effective way to get children to change their bad behavior, we soon would see that they have ceased to do so. But the opposite is true, anger - one of the most inefficient ways to deal with the bad behavior of children. For example, your five year old son is constantly hurting and beating his younger sister and makes her cry. You asked him many times to stop to do so, but he continues, and you get ripped off by shouting: "What is wrong with you? What do you want from your little sister? Can't you treat her like a human! "After that your five year old son will be even less willing to change their behavior. If he accepts your negative evaluation, he will think that he is bad. And if he rejects, he will try to defend himself. Moreover, your aggression will cause his reciprocal aggression towards you - and it is unlikely this is the best attitude to consent.
So anger destroys our goals. In fact, even anger reinforces the behavior that we want to eliminate. In the eyes of a child our anger means that he is bad. Gradually he perceives this assessment as true, and concludes: "This is the way I am made. I'll always be like that. " And he continues to behave as badly as before. Anger, of course, can frighten children and force them to comply, but it will be paid a high price of their relationship with us. Moreover, the results achieved at best are temporary. We'll soon have to resort to anger continually to ensure children's obedience. Until we get to the point that we are forced to admit: "They listen to me only when I pluck and scream." Talmid Chacham-known ("Torah scholar"), Rabbi recommends: "If you want to express their anger, so let it do. But if you want to achieve something, then, by expressing anger, you will not be able to achieve this."
Can the control of an angry cause damage? Our sages have always pointed out that the irritability - a negative character trait. A modern psychology, by contrast, argues that the suppression of anger can be harmful, and encourages people to "let off steam" and to freely express their anger. However, some psychologists today is subjected to doubt. So, Dr. Carol Tavris writes: "I think the main effect of the theory 'letting off the steam' is to increase the level of noise in our lives, rather than decrease problems. I have noticed that people particularly prone to the expression of anger, do not become calmer, but rather more angry and evil. " But a conscious approach to what is happening is not the suppression or control of anger, but primarily to work with the root of this phenomenon - our negative judgments and estimates. Note the two approaches in the following story of the mother. "Sam, my son didn't get dressed, although he could do so. And when I told him to get dressed, he ignored it or answered, so I wore it. And every time I repeated my words, my voice became more and more stringent. I continued to convince himself: "No, I will not lose control - I will not yell at him, I did not slap him." But with each repetition of my call to get dressed, I felt my growing irritation. Later, thinking about this situation, I wondered where made a mistake and suddenly realized that the idea is not in maintaining composure in anger, but in the fact that first of all in eliminating the causes leading to anger. What helps me the most, is to talk to myself, "I am not going to achieve your goals with the help of anger!" And now, my son began to dress himself, even though I do not say this to him. He does not always make it, but those few times really marked the beginning. This convinced me that by keeping quiet, you can achieve much more."
Some parents are angry with the children when they do not obey, and justify it by the fact that the Torah commanded that their children were respected. But while the kids really have to do the will of their parents, we can not successfully get them to do it. And besides, we have to remember that the Torah forbade us to hurt other people. Parents can not blame the kids and resent the fact that they do not carry out their commands, because they hurt themselves unnecessarily. In fact, it is the child has a reason to express indignation at the attitude of their parents, and for that they get offended. Only in special circumstances, parents can show their indignation to children to correct their behavior, even if it hurts them. Such a deliberate and thoughtful expression of anger is very different from the spontaneous, uncontrolled outbursts of anger that arise when our children do not meet our demand to be perfect. This is a deliberate outrage that should be reserved for those rare cases when it is necessary to leave the child with a strong impression on the severity of his wrong actions. But before you use this method, you need to completely remove all traces of anger from your heart so that such a method of education was really effective.
TBC
If anger were an effective way to get children to change their bad behavior, we soon would see that they have ceased to do so. But the opposite is true, anger - one of the most inefficient ways to deal with the bad behavior of children. For example, your five year old son is constantly hurting and beating his younger sister and makes her cry. You asked him many times to stop to do so, but he continues, and you get ripped off by shouting: "What is wrong with you? What do you want from your little sister? Can't you treat her like a human! "After that your five year old son will be even less willing to change their behavior. If he accepts your negative evaluation, he will think that he is bad. And if he rejects, he will try to defend himself. Moreover, your aggression will cause his reciprocal aggression towards you - and it is unlikely this is the best attitude to consent.
So anger destroys our goals. In fact, even anger reinforces the behavior that we want to eliminate. In the eyes of a child our anger means that he is bad. Gradually he perceives this assessment as true, and concludes: "This is the way I am made. I'll always be like that. " And he continues to behave as badly as before. Anger, of course, can frighten children and force them to comply, but it will be paid a high price of their relationship with us. Moreover, the results achieved at best are temporary. We'll soon have to resort to anger continually to ensure children's obedience. Until we get to the point that we are forced to admit: "They listen to me only when I pluck and scream." Talmid Chacham-known ("Torah scholar"), Rabbi recommends: "If you want to express their anger, so let it do. But if you want to achieve something, then, by expressing anger, you will not be able to achieve this."
Can the control of an angry cause damage? Our sages have always pointed out that the irritability - a negative character trait. A modern psychology, by contrast, argues that the suppression of anger can be harmful, and encourages people to "let off steam" and to freely express their anger. However, some psychologists today is subjected to doubt. So, Dr. Carol Tavris writes: "I think the main effect of the theory 'letting off the steam' is to increase the level of noise in our lives, rather than decrease problems. I have noticed that people particularly prone to the expression of anger, do not become calmer, but rather more angry and evil. " But a conscious approach to what is happening is not the suppression or control of anger, but primarily to work with the root of this phenomenon - our negative judgments and estimates. Note the two approaches in the following story of the mother. "Sam, my son didn't get dressed, although he could do so. And when I told him to get dressed, he ignored it or answered, so I wore it. And every time I repeated my words, my voice became more and more stringent. I continued to convince himself: "No, I will not lose control - I will not yell at him, I did not slap him." But with each repetition of my call to get dressed, I felt my growing irritation. Later, thinking about this situation, I wondered where made a mistake and suddenly realized that the idea is not in maintaining composure in anger, but in the fact that first of all in eliminating the causes leading to anger. What helps me the most, is to talk to myself, "I am not going to achieve your goals with the help of anger!" And now, my son began to dress himself, even though I do not say this to him. He does not always make it, but those few times really marked the beginning. This convinced me that by keeping quiet, you can achieve much more."
Some parents are angry with the children when they do not obey, and justify it by the fact that the Torah commanded that their children were respected. But while the kids really have to do the will of their parents, we can not successfully get them to do it. And besides, we have to remember that the Torah forbade us to hurt other people. Parents can not blame the kids and resent the fact that they do not carry out their commands, because they hurt themselves unnecessarily. In fact, it is the child has a reason to express indignation at the attitude of their parents, and for that they get offended. Only in special circumstances, parents can show their indignation to children to correct their behavior, even if it hurts them. Such a deliberate and thoughtful expression of anger is very different from the spontaneous, uncontrolled outbursts of anger that arise when our children do not meet our demand to be perfect. This is a deliberate outrage that should be reserved for those rare cases when it is necessary to leave the child with a strong impression on the severity of his wrong actions. But before you use this method, you need to completely remove all traces of anger from your heart so that such a method of education was really effective.
TBC
